Eddie moved in soon after my Mothers surprise ‘announcement’ and the air was instantly heavy and oppressive, but somehow the blame for it was immediately placed on my shoulders! My Mother took me aside that very same morning and coldly ‘informed me’ in no uncertain terms EXACTLY HOW I would behave, and HOW I would conduct myself in front of Eddie! It was like being hauled over the carpet in front of a particularly stern and unpleasant Headmaster, one totally devoid of human compassion, but as far as my Mother was concerned she had now ‘programmed’ her little robot, her ‘chattel’ to perform in accordance with her wishes and that was that, problem solved. She never seemed to attribute any human emotions to me that her forceful statements and arbitrary declarations could not and would not immediately resolve. The hurt, the anger, the rage that burned inside me were all once again stifled, buried, suppressed. Tears stung my eyes but remained unshed, my emotions unexpressed …it wasn’t ‘allowed’. Had I been her employee perhaps her behaviour might have been acceptable, but I wasn’t her employee, I was her daughter…somewhere along the line my feelings should have MATTERED. In truth though, far from actually ‘mattering’ I found myself back where I had started all those years earlier when I’d first arrived at Eddies’ home in the Basement; I had been an intruder then and I was an intruder now in my Mothers’ home in Primrose Hill, and on BOTH those occasions it had been my Mother who had made it patently obvious that an ‘unwanted intruder’ was in fact all I had ever been in her life!
Unfortunately, just as Simon had done in a not too dissimilar situation and at much the same age as I was then, I too chose to mentally focus all my anger and frustration on Eddie, blaming him not my Mother upon whose shoulders most of the responsibility truly lay for the dreadful trauma, heartache and pain I’d suffered since my earliest days; but I was still just a child, I couldn’t blame her, it wasn’t ‘possible’, it wasn’t ‘allowed’, and anyway… she was all I had, the only one I loved apart from Simon. I think subconsciously I came to the only other possible conclusion given such limited ‘options’ i.e. whatever I couldn’t blame Eddie for HAD to be my own fault in some way. I already knew that my own Mother had only let me move into her new flat with her because she’d had no choice, she’d made that abundantly clear, and I’d certainly known for a long time that there was something ‘unacceptable’ and not quite ‘nice’ about me, she’d always made that pretty obvious too, so ‘knowing’ all those things I just accepted that I must simply be getting what I deserved. Sadly, that was the way I thought in those days…my Mother was ‘perfect’ after all.
I think to a large extent I gave up on myself and everything else then. The hurt was too deep, the pain too great, and because none of the religious teachings I’d heard in all the years that had passed since my ‘Rainbow’ experience had ever matched up with the God I had met as a little girl I subconsciously and very gradually began to let go of The Hand that thankfully never let go of mine! Just as my Mothers’ lies and inventions had created a different version of how my early childhood had truly been, so too the teachings of formal orthodox religion spoke of a different God from the One I had met that day, and I once again found myself unable to reconcile my experience with what was being presented to my heart and mind as fact, and even Truth; but in rejecting their seemingly impotent, uncaring and distant God I unwittingly began to let go of mine too! Thank God His Precious Holy Spirit still lived on inside me, and never left me - I would not be here, writing this today if He had! The God all these people spoke of was the same God - there IS only One God - but He was being so terribly misrepresented to an unknowing, unreceptive and largely unbelieving World that I couldn’t identify with Him. What would be the point of following a God like that? A God Who never spoke to you yet sat in Judgement watching you stumble and fall? I was mystified. I still believed, I still thought my God had to be out there somewhere but over the years I gradually stopped seeing or remembering Him as He truly WAS and IS, a God Who CARES about His people, Who WALKS with them day by day, a God Who not only listens but speaks to His People TODAY…my GOD, a God of Joy, Peace, Love and Compassion. My memories of the day of ‘The Rainbow’ began to fade, and I slowly drifted away from Him and all spiritual things. How could He help me now? There was no-one there to tell me that He Could and Would, my heart was so hurt, so battered, so confused and so angry and resentful that I shut down emotionally... even to God.
This leads me to another very important point we absolutely have to understand if we want to enter into a relationship with God…He FORCES Himself on NO-ONE! We have to have open hearts, minds and spirits to receive from God and there was NOTHING ‘open’ about me then! The Holy Spirit was still living inside me, but I was totally closed-off…I had ‘switched-off’ to spiritual things. We cannot and will not EVER receive anything from God or His Holy Spirit that we will not PERMIT ourselves to receive - God never over-rides our Free Will, our right to choose what we will or will not do. A closed mind, a closed heart or a rebellious spirit can NEVER receive from God, we have to push pride and ‘the self’ to one side if we want to hear from Him.
Oh Lord, Give us open hearts to receive the Pearls that You Pour Forth,
Open minds to do Thy Will, without our will changing Your Course.
Oh Lord, Grant us impunity to the wounds and tears of the flesh,
And Father, help us put You first, and to always do our best.
During that period of my life I only wanted one thing – to be left alone. My need for Solitude inevitably increased my sense of isolation, but there really was no other choice. I could only find peace in Solitude, safety in Solitude when there was nobody there to let me down, nobody there to betray, assault or deride me. I entered even deeper into the mental ‘Sanctuary’ I had created so long ago in my mind when I was that terrified little child who had been abandoned by her Mother…my Sanctuary of emotional detachment, of living ‘On the Outside, Looking in’. I had lost the ability to completely block everything out during the drama of my early years in the Basement but I was older now, and I had to find a way to control or at least ‘manage’ the heartbreak of my daily life, limit the damage it could do to me, because it IS heart-breaking to feel so dreadfully unimportant and so completely alone, particularly for one so young. Actual physical isolation was well-nigh impossible - I could seldom even have any privacy, so isolating myself mentally was how I dealt with the complexities of my life. It was my way of getting through each day relatively intact. Solitude and books, lots and lots of books, they enabled me to dwell in my Sanctuary.
Ultimately, I became ‘closed-off’ in far too many areas of my life, particularly in relationships. I’m sure I looked perfectly normal, and always appeared to be cheerful and outgoing, I had been trained, ‘required’ to exhibit ALL those desirable characteristics, but the reality of my life then was that I was isolated and trapped behind a new rock-solid façade, not the one my Mother had liked and created, but my own now, so detached from everyone and everything that I actually felt like that little robot my Mother seemed to think I was. I ‘pleased her’ only in ways I was really obliged to, and apart from that I lived alone behind my façade, my barricade. It was the only way I knew how to live, the only way I could survive life with her, detached from it all, as if none of it actually involved me. It was utterly surreal… my own life was passing me by every day like some kind of screenplay and I wasn’t even participating in it in any real sense of the word.
Now that I’m a Mother myself I can scarcely believe the enormous psychological and emotional harm my Mother not only caused us herself, but also the DANGER she so uncaringly and negligently exposed us to as children! I think it’s quite extraordinary that after everything she had said and done to me over the years I could still believe that my Mother was ‘wonderful’ and ‘perfect’ but I did, which certainly proves beyond a shadow of doubt how effective a combination of brain-washing indoctrination and bullying can be, particularly when used on the young and helpless, and those who are already profoundly emotionally traumatised! As parents we are supposed to protect our children, not crush and dominate them or be a permanent blight on their lives! Narcissists however are a Law unto themselves, they are their own Gods, and nothing else matters but them, their ‘glory’ must always shine, their ‘will’ prevail! They are EXACTLY the kind of people who will happily “Scrawl in large letters, obliterating page after page in YOUR Book – YOUR LIFE, filling it with their own empty, self-centred, self-glorifying words and feelings!” Don’t let them do it! LIVE YOUR LIFE in a way I didn’t get to live mine!
The next instalment of this true life story will be posted on 1st July 2021.
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